Hamlet34's Xanga

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mon, 08 May 2006 01:31:07 GMT

Oy, what a weekend. Essentially Saturday was a day with Megan F, from Heat Wave, and I spent money I didn't have. Grr. I'm eating Ramen all week to make up for it. Sunday was Heat Wave rehearsal, which was good but the hornline (most) were really fucking chatty and it drove me buggy and our Caption Head wasnt too pleased. So, yeah. Not a terribly good thing. But the Board of Directors and Staff decided to terminate the membership of one individual, which was a long time coming so I'm a bit pleased that situation is finally dealt with.

On a completely different note, I have a crush. And, it's a good feeling. I haven't had a crush on anyone in a quite some time. I've had this crush for a while for a while but if it isn't terribly obvious my self esteem is in the shitter, so my acting on it is pretty unlikely. I might get brave, I dunno. We'll see where it goes, if anywhere.

As for anything else, I'm too tired to worry about anything else. G'nite all.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sun, 07 May 2006 00:34:00 GMT

All is okay. I've decided I have either manic depressive syndrome or I'm mildly bi-polar. I will be seeking out psychiatric help as soon as school is over.

I just need mood elevators. I understand why it happens, but days like that...I can't handle them alone. So...I'll seek professional help. Whoopie!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Tue, 02 May 2006 01:13:45 GMT

Im better. I did do something stupid, but I'm okay.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Mon, 01 May 2006 23:54:15 GMT

Final crossroads:

I am really starting to belive I've wasted my life.

I left school today, and thought to myself "I'm pretty proud of what I've done. My kids have learned and grown so much. And I did that, I seriously....I did that". I wouldnt' say I was on top of the world, but I was pretty damned content.

Then I come home. A friend of mine is back in a bullshit relationship with someone who treats her like shit. And she "loves him." And I seriously....think I've wasted my life.

Because, as much as I love my job, I cant' live for my students. Im 26 and Im' single with absolutely NO prospects. None. Not one. And even if I lose weight, I'll be what...27-28? Almost 30. Who the hell is going to want someone in their 30s? I'm closer to 30 than 20. It's pathetic. No one I know is like this. No one is void of relaitonships. No one is void of someone to fulfill their lives in someway.

Why, did I bother educating myself. Why. What has it gotten me? I good job? Sure. A profession I love? Sure. But what has it done for me socially? Nothing. My social life is pathetic. I am truly pathetic. I hate that I can't think about anything other than being alone. I hate this so much.

I'm glad I'm smart. Because I have had a knife by this computer, for about 45 minutes. And I cant and wont ever pick it up to do something stupid, but everything in my damned body says just end it. Or do something stupid enough to land me in the hospital and not have to take care of myself for a while. I'm so tired of being overlooked. I'm so tired of being fat and ugly. I'm so tired of being who I am and it not mattering. I'm tired of COMPLAINING about my life. All I can do is lose weight. That's it. And I dont even want to anymore. What does it matter. I just want to be fucking content. I dont have to be rich, I dont have to be beautiful...I just want to be happy in my job and have someone to share it with. Why is this so damned difficult?

Six years of college. Six years in drum corps. Nothing. Why am I the stereotype? Why am I completely predictable and the "sad story". I just...I hate this so much I want to rip my skin off and just...A:Lsdkjfa;lksdfj.

I dont want to be me anymore.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 23:35:55 GMT

Stolen From Sherri Winks...

The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours....

1.) I know more about nutrition and weight loss than most people, and I'm morbidly obese.

2.) I am a music teacher who often times would rather listen to crappy pop music than the real thing.

3.) It takes me at least an hour and a half of hitting the snooze button to actually get out of bed in the morning. I have broken at least 8 alarm clocks by slamming them into the wall.

4.) When I am bored I will count letters in sentences, most of the time when I am on the road with road signs. If the number comes out odd, it annoys me and I have to add a word or words to make the letters even.

5.) I hate the heat and dont like doing things outside. Yet, I'm in a drum corps and I live in Central Florida.

6.) I have gone throuh 6 years of college and 2 years of teaching middle school and have never drank coffee. (I tried cuban coffee once in grad school.)

Tag...you're it.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 23:23:13 GMT

It's a good thing I do have a small handfull of good friends. It's been since December since I've actually seen a friend of mine that wasnt' from Orlando. (and what a great couple days that was, huh Sherri?)

I actually havea friend putting me first, and it's probably one of the best feelings ever, especially after recent events. Tomorrow I'll be at Islands of Adventure with Meghan-san. She's actually taking a few days to spend with me, paying for me to get in and spending Monday with me at work. How friggin' awesome? Today I did absolutely nothing, however I must must must clean my apartment and pay a few bills. It felt good to do nothing. Yee haw.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:16:15 GMT

Welcome to the least read blog ever! Whoo hoo!!

I got paid, so the initial no money thing is over, however I dont have enough to do what I ened to do this month...so...yeah. We wont think about that right now.

I was down 8 pounds, then I marched outside all freaking weekend, and gained 2 back. I swear my body is just...confused. But, we're not thinking about that either.

What can we think about? My students!! The concert might actually be about as good as I want it to be. 8th grade had a realy good rehearsal and cleaned a bunch of shit in two of their pieces. All I have to do is make the "air" of Air and Caprice sound like a chorale and it'll pull off quite nicely. 7th grade has finally figured out what makes Irish Tune sound beautiful and are committed to it happening. They also fixed the bs in their march, so they'll sound pretty darned good as well. 6th grade has fixed a lot in their two pieces, and we worked dynamics BIG time today in Chorale from Jupiter. If they remember the work from today and I get them to play connected during the melody...it might come off as well.

So, band is good. Concert is next Thursday, two weeks ago I was totally sweating it, now I'm looking forward to it. After that it's basically planning for next year. Hopefully they dont put me teachign general music again, I really...really....really dont want to teach general music. I know my administrator likes my proposal for elementary band, and I jsut have to keep my guidance counselor off the "she has to teach cause I need someone to babysit 30 kids per class" bullshit cause she' can't schedule.

*sigh*.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 23:04:51 GMT

Well, one more day and I have a paycheck. I'm still screwed, because my rent is due with the grace period on the 3rd, I wont get paid again until the 5th.

So if I'm late with rent, that's screws me getting another apartment....and costs me 100 bucks. If I make rent, that means the maybe...700 dollars I'll get out of this next check I get to spend 50 of between now and next month...which isnt' good because I couldnt' pay april bills because of this current mess up.

I'm really...perplexed on what to do. I tried the cash advance thing, no deal. If I could only get 100 this week, there's no way I'm getting 650 next week. I'm going to go to the leasing office and see what I can do, but they already made an exception for me once...so the chances of them doing it again are slight. I might not even bother going to ask.

About all I can hope for is a bigger check this next check, but I doubt it because I have one absence in there. It'd be a miracle if I got all my back pay, but I sincerely DOUBT that will happen. Speaking of which, I have to get on collier county's ass.

So...I'm really...fecked. If my rent was due just TWO DAYS later...it would work out. But no deal. I cant' even bank on them not cashing the check for two days, cause last month it was cashed the next day. Grr. About the only option is Fran, and I can't do that again. He can't be my money life line.

Other than that...not that I've had much choice, but I've stopped this over eating bull shit and tried REALLY hard to only eat when my body says I'm hungry, not when my mind is hungry. And it's gone, okay. I dont have any crap food to splurge on, and no money to make the late night Taco Bell runs. I stepped on the scale. 256. yes. 8 pounds less than 12 days ago, just based on cutting the crap. Now, I'm sure part of was food still in my stomach and water, but it's still 8 friggin' pounds. Its times like this I really think my body just doesnt' want to be this way, but making my brain agree is what's hard. (Of course, once I lose weight and put it back on I'm sure I've said the opposite.)

Anyways. There it is. I'll be posting later.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 04:22:20 GMT

I'm watching Fiddler. I figured, I should see this...wanting to be a Jew. And yes, I've never seen it before

Good god. Today's update...I wont even bother, but it's just...oy. Thursday needs to get here big time.

Well, one thing I've learned and decided I want to change is something I knew I did, but really haven't ever tried to consciously do anything about.

I eat because I think I'm hungry. But today, every time I wanted to get up and grab something from my fridge (which has conidments, 5 raw eggs and a loaf of bread that is harder than a rock) I realized that if I stop...I'm not hungry. I'm just, mentally hungry.

And this might sound really trivial and a "duh" moment, but...if I can just stop eating because I think I"m hungry...think of how much better off I'll be? Now the hard part, what the hell to do when I'm "mentally hungry". I think it's my body craving a reaction, and nothing besides the one time a year sex I have really kicks that craving through food. I think it's linked recently to my severe lack of attention span.

I dont know what it is, I cant' stay on one thing for a long time. Books, sometimes, but tv I get restless, teaching I get restless, it's like chronic cabin fever. I need to change up what I'm doing constantly. Today I was able to spend several hours on my band proposal to my administration, but several times I just went off on a tangent and had to literally force myself to sit down and finish it. And now that I did, I'm bouncing off the walls. (I'm sure part of it is knowing I can't do a damned thing until Thursday, but still.)

But, back to my original thing (see? attention span) what am I going to do when I want to grab food? I have no idea. Brushing my teeth? Reading a book? Knitting? I have no idea! Argh. Like right now...I crave something, but my stomach is not hungry so I dont need to eat. Rar. What to do what to do what to do...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 20:39:15 GMT

Well, I went straight to Bank of America on my way home from Gainesville. They said they did their end of the job because they sent snail mail notifications of overdrawing. Here's the problem. They wont arrive until tomorrow. So...a lot of freaking good they did. However, I reasoned with them enough based on my prior history with them that I'm not a flake, and this was a sincere screw up and not intentional.

Total damage: $252 dollars of actual purchases overdrawn (116 of it was my sprint phone payment) and $436 dollars in overdraft fees. (34 bucks each time I used my debit card, which was 13 times in 8 days.)

Total compensation: Bank of America agreed to take back $200 of the $436 in fees. So that helped a bit. Still cost me $236 bucks in a fuck up, plus the money I "spent".

And of course, utilities knocked on the door today to leave me a "demanding payment" form. I'm only 14 days late on that payment, but they are horrible here in Kissimmee. Honestly, too many friggin...uh...how to say this politely...ethnic people who dont pay their bills on time and jump apartments in the night and dont pay.

So...the only way to get through this week is use the 20 bucks my mom sent for emergency money, eat of the small amount of food I have in the house and get a pay check advance tomorrow for my check that's coming Thursday to pay my utilities.

Other than that...nothing new.